april ludgate tbh
[sax solo from talk dirty] hello
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I swallowed a strand of my hair and now everything is ruined. - Taylor Swift

urbanfuck:

urbanfuck:

urbanfuck:

anal sneezes are cute as shit

sorry iphone the word i was looking for was “animal” sneezes better luck next time

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this is not what i want to be remembered for

remember when taylor said she was afraid of sea urchins

edsheerange:

i was a snail in my past life. So sometimes I experience feelings like I’m still a snail and I crawl around my room all slow-like and stuff.

funkies:

teens who get expensive brand new cars as soon as they get their license

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merrycanary:

So there’s a read aloud function on my Kindle, so I thought it would be funny to turn it on and hear this in its robotic voice.

I was wrong.

It wasn’t funny.

It was hilarious.

JUST CLICK PLAY OK.

And I hope my laughter isn’t too loud.

soufflesandbowties:

50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”